She was sitting in her car. It’s kind of beat up now after drunkenly trying to maneuver her way into the garage overly served one night. That old Elvis Costello song blaring out of already abused speakers. “I want you…the thought of him undressing you, or you undressing”. There’s a runner on her Camel as she stares straight ahead, lifelessly at the red light on 38th and Lamar. Her eyes are watering. Watering? Or tearing? She’s not sure. Everything is still. Everything is out of control. She loves this song. Sad songs…always the best. She fantasizes about the car racing toward her ramming into the front of hers. Shakes her head a few times to remove herself from this bitter real thought. She doesn't want to leave just yet.
It’s 5:15am on Friday morning. She stands naked in the bathroom looking at her reflection. She doesn’t hate it. She really doesn’t. Well, maybe a little from the rear view, but with a little back lighting you never see all the imperfection on her skin. She takes a deep, long breath and steps on the scale. God dammit. Start eating! This is ridiculous. Just MAKE yourself freaking eat. 3 lbs in one week. And not because she’s trying.
A break. One tiny week with nothing to think about. Warmth. Love. Realizations of a good kind. Nothingness. Nothingness of the good kind.
Smiles. She’s all smiles and charm. People love her. Well, most people. “How can you say you’re so sad? You laugh a lot?” And “are you trying to fucking piss me off by not eating?!?!” Yeah…she is. She loves the fact that she doesn’t enjoy food anymore. It’s fantastic. Really.
She is sad. Nothing is good enough. Nothing works out.
God, just say what you fucking want to say. She can’t. She’s too afraid. Afraid of loss. Afraid of love. Afraid of life. Stop being so afraid. Stop. Just stop.
2 comments:
I've been there. I'm there right now.
I want to blink, but can only stare.
Want to sigh, but can only breathe slowly. in. out. in.
want to get up. move. shake off this heavyness.
can only sit, bent over with the weight of cynicism and sadness.
my fingers, dead weights, slowly, methodically, typing letter by letter.
the weight is darkness. it's security. it's hateful and demonic. whispering evil lies. i feel it's hot putrid breath on my neck and feel it rolling down my skin. but it's safe in here.
if i stay, i may never come out. why would i? hate and disgust and loathing don't belong out there. in here i swallow the bitterness, the sadness, the infinity. it supposed to be like this in here. it's safe in here.
out there they want me to be happy. to smile. to say stupid shit to make them feel better. to smile and laugh at their stupid shit. it's quiet in here.
i'll get over this. i always do. not everyone does. i know too many people who have stayed in the darkness too long. some have come. some have not.
it's ok to be sad. to be miserable. to not see the light. but don't let it consume you forever. too many people love you and want you to be here. you are supremely talented and special and I see tremendous life in you.
waiting out my darkness...hoping to see you on the other side with me.
-am
I miss you so much! Those times I would come bug the shit out of you and that creepy dude you sat by. Wishing I could come tell you all that's going on, and you could advise me on how to handle this stupid life of mine. I need someone to give it to me straight and not bull shit me. You were always good for that! Here's to hoping the dark shadows pass, sooner than later.
SvK
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