My break from blogging

I'm sitting at my desk today with toilet tissue stuck up both nostrils. It's really attractive. I'm allergic to this freaking building. One stupid, new AE here, that no one likes, is running around talking about purchasing penises and how they come (hee hee) in many different shapes and sizes. I loathe her.

Anywho, on my break from blogging...I got a new job. Decided to take it and by extension move to Austin. Quit smoking. Resumed smoking. Emailed random lesbians to see if I could live with them in Austin. Had a nightmare that I woke up crying from. And made out with a Jewish boy.

And now you are all caught up.

I am not stronger than this

I'm tired of being strong when all I feel is completely weak.
Of being happy when all I feel is pitiable.
Of laughing when I really want to drown in tears.
Of chewing gum instead of smoking.

I've heard people say that any time you say something negative about your life or about yourself, you should say 7 positive things. Let's give it a shot.

Yeah...I changed my mind...that would take forever. And let's be honest here...I don't have that much happiness right now.

It's time.............

First Rule of Book Club...Read the GD Book!

So, I needed to spend some quality time with the cat last night as he's been feeling a bit neglected recently. In doing so, I came across this ridiculous show...The Tuesday Night Book Club. This is the most unsettling show I think I've EVER seen. First of all, these idiot people ( and I'm sorry if I'm stepping on any of my Scottsdale friends toes...hopefully, you guys don't know these yahoos ) did not read ANY of the book. Is this how Scottsdale really is? Who the HELL goes to book club and doesn't read the book? Ok...to be fair...one lady got to page 20. Page 20. Come on now. And it was even some goofy 'Whoo, I'm going to be so much better in bed after reading this' book. Chick Lit. Which I loathe the name Chick Lit. I'm going to start calling ridiculous guy books Dick Lit and and see if that catches on. Ok...I can hear my IST "friends" now...calling me a snob. So be it. Yes...People should get their heads out of their bum holes and try reading once and a while.

Anywho, did you know...Arizona has the highest rate of divorce of any state in the nation? The things you learn on network TV. I somehow doubt it has much to do with the people in Tucson...but that's just an assumption.

Yet I remain fascinated. First rule of "Book" Club...no one talks about book club. Thank God for Ed Norton. Except Fight Club was actually cool...he got all his furniture from IKEA. Just like someone I know in Scottsdale...that's funny. I love it when my stories unwittingly turn full circle....sort of.

Back to the crazies. Lady in Red. I don't remember her name. She was a very attractive lady. Red hair...perfect smile...Was wearing FUR. Fur in Arizona. So, I already think she's a dumb ass. Her husband won't sleep with her. HELLO LADY!?!?!? HE'S CHEATING ON YOUR SKINNY 30 SOMETHING ASS! You can tell she knows it subconsciously, but is too scared to bring it to the forefront of her mind. What did you sign a freaking prenup and would be sad to return to normalacy if you guys split? Is it all that terrifying to NOT be able to afford everything you want at Kierland Commons? Reality is Relative I suppose...and I should be more understanding. However, I was happy to see this one lady...who definitely looks like the "poor one"...was wearing a Target shirt! I know, bc I have it in two colors. It's a great shirt. I'm wearing the black one today...and I wore the black one in Arizona! HA! More circuitity!

So, are you really all like this? Or is this like that one guy at dinner that was astonished that I didn't have a Texas accent? Is this just a stereo-type? Or are the majority of women driven by money so much that they would stay in unhappy marriages to maintain their fancy lifestyle?

To the guy at the bar of the Ocean Club that gave me a light...I was wearing TARGET shoes! Run fast! I've never had a facial! Book it! My top was like 5 seasons ago from....are you ready for this...Urban Outfitters and I got it 40% off bc I was an employee! Blech. An employee? Had you known all that I'm sure you wouldn't have flirted with me while I was on my way back to my table. I think I was wearing my glasses too. I bet that's what threw him...they're PRADA.

Chompers and the Scorpion

Arf Arf!!! Aunt Susan Aunt Susan! Arf Arf!!!

Look at the little fluffy doggie!!! Ahhhh...little Chompers is so sweet!
Why do you have a string in your mouth? Are you really a cat?

Chompers quickly spits out the "string"!

Eeeee Gad! It's a scropion Batman!

I hurriedly command the dog away....grab a glass off the counter and capture the horrid beast!

I spend the next 45 minutes staring at the scorpion...wondering if there is any way it can escape its glassy prison.

At last my salvation descends from the very heavens...or thru the garage door. Blondies husband! He non-chalantly lifts the glass and ends the life of our poisonous friend with one fell stomp of his foot!

CCRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH!

And our friend is now in scorpion heaven where no dogs chew on them and there's a plethora of unsuspecting humans to sting! But not me you dirty Arthropod!...not me.

Calling All Behavioralists

So, riddle me this blog-fans. Why would a guy leave his card for you at your job, and then never call you back. Some background. We (meaning Creative and News) are working on this big rebranding thing to maybe actually get ratings in news. We hired some outside help to make it look better than we could make it look with our lame ass equipment. So, I notice this one dude on the hired crew staring at me all day. Guys do this a lot when you carry 10 lbs of lipids on your chest. So, I'm used to it. Anywho, I go out to smoke and dumb ass decides it's time for him to smoke too. Fine. Come flirt with me...it will make the day a little better. Naturally, he did. I was making some ridiculous joke about wanting to be a court jester as a profession...I would actually be really good at that. Blah blah blah. Later that day...I'm walking down the hall with a bag of popcorn and run into dumb ass again. He asks me my name...shakes my hand...goes back to work. In I walk the next day only to have someone from Creative hand me his card and inform me that he really like prunes. Ok. Well, I'm down with new stuff. I can handle a good prune. I wait a couple days and call him. To make a boring story shorter...Why did he never ask me out? This is weird to me. You flirt with me at my job...leave your card for me with someone I know...and NEVER ask me out. Are you married? Do you have a terminal illness and now are dead? Or do you just like behaving oddly? I was confused. Oh well.

Scenario number two. I'm out at Latin night with SV, her insurance guy (don't ask) and one of IG's friends. We're dancing having a decent time and I'm flirting with Mr. Mexico. I'll be honest...we made out a little...that's all. It was fun. This was the night before Arizona. Hooker! Whatever. I have needs. So, anyways. He hands me his card and asks me to call him tonight.

Ummmm...excuse me...but I'm not that kind of girl! (bold face lie)
No No No! I just want to have your number so I can call tomorrow.
Oh...Ok...Hee hee.

I do as he requests and leave a goofy little message. He does as he says and calls the next day. I didn't answer, but I call back. He calls me back and I answered this time. He tells me he can't wait to kiss my suculent lips again...He really enjoyed kissing me. Well, duh. I have great kissing lips...Like...everyone says so. I tell him that I'll be out of town this weekend, but call me Sunday or Monday or whenever.

Did dumb ass number 2 ever call? You guessed it! NO!

I feel like I followed all the rules with these two. So, even when I follow all rules...I can't seem to do it right. I'm not...nor willl I ever be a game player. I will not wait 'three days' to call back. I will not lie and say I have plans when you ask me out the first time just to sound popular. Think about how freaking retarded all that shit is. You know...if that is what you have to do to land a guy. Fuck that. I'll stick with Frank the cat. He purrs everytime I come home and loves it when I give him a lot of affection. So, there you idiot dumb asses. Suck it...and by it I mean some gay dudes HIV ridden dick.

Steve Nash is my hero...Well, when Dirk isn't winning!

I'm really not in the mood to write like I usually do. But this story made me laugh. Dad and I were goofing off while both my sisters, one of their boyfriends and my mother were feverishly trying to get stuff done of this summer class thing for the less fortunate kids at Mom's mission. It REALLY irritates Mom when Dad and I act this way. Subconsciously, I think we both do it on purpose. So, while C & J build a faux log cabin, and S is putting the finishing touches on a mural that spans three walls, and Mom is supervising...Dad and I decide to throw around a ball of tightly compacted butcher paper. We are SO helpful, Dad and I. Well, I decide to Steve Nash it and bump it off my knee. I used to be really good at this as a kid. Not so much now. It's like the time I thought I could still throw a round off back handspring back flip in college after years of dormant gymnastics, and I fell on my head an cracked a couple vertabrae. Anywho. So, Dad goes into this story about how at one of my soccers games (Go Lightenings!!!) I tackled this one kid...got up off the ground...turned my head to my dad standing patiently on the sidelines...flashed that beautiful, buck tooth smile and gave him a huge thumbs up. He said he pretended not to see me. When it was HIM that was ALWAYS telling me to be more aggressive in my Left Wing position while I sucked on the orange slices someones mom brought for us. Well, we probably lost anyways. Kid stories are funny.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

Happy day of the devil everybody.